I wish my penis had an off switch
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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