At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
