she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
