if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's always time for handjobs
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
