Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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