Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
