I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
