I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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