I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
