How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
