Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
