he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
