1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
