At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
