We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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