I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Even my vagina gasped.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
