around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The best revenge is premature balding
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
