You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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