Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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