ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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