I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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