The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
