Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize