My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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