Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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