Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
