I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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