Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im holly from the hills drunk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
