It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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