1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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