Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
