those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
