singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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