Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
