I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
