Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
