Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
vagina is talking i cant
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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