life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
tell me about the eggs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
