i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
that is very illegal...i love you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
