my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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