Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
