there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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