I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I didn't notice because vodka
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
