Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I enjoy the company of your penis
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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