Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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