Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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