the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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