just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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