I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
