apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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