Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
