Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
