tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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