Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
