I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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