if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize