I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize