Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
