The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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