i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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