Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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