Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
