I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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