my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize