If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
