Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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