Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
