I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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