I want to make a zoo with you.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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