Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize