I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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